It is amazing how insane I can become.
I always have had the tendency. I think we all do.
But only in the last couple years I have started to learn that the swirling thoughts in my headâ€¦are merely thoughts.
Earlier today I sat in bed with a beautiful woman kissing my neck and thought, â€œI think Iâ€™m ready to die. Iâ€™ve done more than I thought I would in my lifetime. I can leave with a smile. I think Iâ€™ve done all I can do in this life.â€
I felt un-panicked and rational. The thoughts made sense to me.
Not that I wanted to kill myselfâ€¦but I would welcome death if it came. In a sick way, I was perturbed that I was taking the train home later that night. Because surely a train wreck was far less probable than a car crash.
I should note that Iâ€™ve always felt that suicide was a wonderful tool for me. Not the act, but the idea.
In my darkest times, I often go to thoughts of suicide and then work my way backwards. It is amazing how many options we really haveâ€¦even when we feel trapped.
Hell, if I am planning to die anyways, might as well try all sorts of crazy stuff. Get 10 credit cards, sell a kidney, try crack, set myself on fire on the capital steps.
I tell my friends that when you see me start tattooing my face, then its time to sit me down.
The reality is that my life is AMAZING. Far better than I ever hoped for myself.
The reality is also that I have yet to shake the feeling that I should always be excelling, improving, accomplishing.
So as I work my own hours doing creative work that I pick and choose, live in a beautiful apartment, and have a gorgeous girlfriendâ€¦I sometimes get trapped by the amorphous pressure of â€œwhat have you done LATELY?â€
And even while I recognize the crazy reasoning behind my funk, I canâ€™t deny that it creeps at the edges of my consciousness.
I boarded the train to san diego and knew I needed help.
I scrolled through my IPOD and was relieved to see a number of named that could help.
I selected Byron Katieâ€™s â€œ1000 names for Joy.â€
Ahhhhh, how quickly I forget that I need to practice this.
My spirituality is a practice.
It only took a few minutes before I could see my insane thoughts from the outside.
I started to see my insanity.
Not just the â€œIâ€™m ready to dieâ€ thoughts, but the hundreds of stresses that piled on over the last few days from work and personal projects.
I wanted to record a message to myself,
Are you believing your thoughts again?
KNOCK IT OFF, FUCKTARD!!!
If you are suffering, it is because of your thoughts, not the circumstances.
You know this.
YOU KNOW THIS.
Now go listen to a lecture by Jacob, silly boy.
Yes, you have an hour to spare.
Consider it a wise investment. Trust me.
With boundless love,
A couple hours later, the train approached the Solana Beach stop and I feel like a different person.
Excited about the minutes, days, and years ahead. And able to smile at the fucktard in the mirror.